The Right Coast

October 20, 2005
Dear Professor Smith
By Tom Smith

We have read carefuly your submission [code>art title] to the South Arkansas Journal of Law and Husbandry. Each year we receive thousands of very good articles that we do not have room to publish. We regret that we are not able to publish your article at this time. Regret, yes, but implicit in this decision is our judgment that we would regret it even more if we were to publish your article, but we are trying to be polite here. Not at this time, true, but we do not mean to imply that there is actually any other time when we would be willing to publish your article. Again, it is just one of those things one says, apparently.

We hope that if in the future you are ever having a really difficult time finding a place that will publish your work, you will keep us in mind. We get a lot of submissions like that, and we even publish some of them.

Please keep in mind our upcoming symposium issue, The Law of Pigs: What's All the Squealing About?

Delbert Sasquatch
Article Puhbah

Dear Professor Smith:

We are Harvard. We are not amused. We have received your article and assigned it tracking number H19249i6Q-000000-7649827649010-nonconlaw-xxx-notcrit-124307591-!!??-5. Please refer to this tracking number in any correspondence with Us. This is not intended to encourage any correspondence with Us. We may get back to you eventually. We are Harvard. We are not amused.
H. Orbert Winston-Fishmonger
Senior Editor
Future Wall St. Weenie

Dear Professor Smith:

We have received your article about some rather technical law related stuff. None of us here at the Respectable Law Review were in the least qualified to read it, let alone judge its quality, but that's what we do, so what the heck! Having reviewed it, we decided if we didn't really understand it all that well, probably most of our readers would not either since, evidence to the contrary though there might be, we are probably smarter than most people. Anyway, we regret to say, etc. etc. You know the drill.

You may wonder how it comes to be that people with our resumes come to be judging the work of someone with your resume and past publications, and frankly, so do we! Life can be silly sometimes! But we do know our bluebook, and frankly, your footnotes need some work. In the first ten footnotes, we found no fewer than five violations of standard Bluebook format. Professor, really. F2nd?! Harv. L. R.?? Puu-leeeease! Also, you did not enclose a copy of your resume! How are we supposed to know if what you have written is any good if we can't see if other people think your other articles are good, which we can tell by where they have been published?! And, we note that you are a professor at a not-that-prestigious law school. How are we supposed to know if your article is any good if you don't come from a famous school?! It's not like we're experts! I don't even have time to do all the reading for my classes sometimes!!! Like I'm late for class now!!!! ( ; I do have some suggestions, however, that I think might really improve your article. You discuss the laws of inheritance in Part IV.B.i.1 (2) on page 234, but you never once discuss whether companion animals can inherit property! Why not? Animals are very important. I know my cat Fluffy is very important to me. You should really think about that professor. With best of luck for your future career,
Suzy Enthuso
Articles Magistrate
Big State Law School Law Review
Future Supreme Court Nominee