The Right Coast

October 03, 2005
Bush makes surprise nomination
By Tom Smith

(AP) Washington. President Bush, in a surprise move, has nominated his Scottish Terrier, Barney, to the United States Supreme Court.

"Through years of faithful service, Justice designate Barney has shown he is one of the team. He will also bring a unique perspective to this important office. In a sense, he is my best friend."

Early reactions have been mixed. The National Organization of Ungendered Persons reacted cautionously. "While we welcome the nomination of a neuter to high office, we must point out that Barney is, to put it bluntly, a dog."

The Scottish Alliance was ecstatic. "Auld inna wee doggie an' for a that an' a that dinna be naught for a that!" commented the High Laird of the Inner High Temple, a Scottish thing.

"This is obviously a stealth candidate," complained Senator Charles "Chuck" Schumer (D!-NY). "Barney has no paper trail, and has never expressed an opinion on Roe v. Wade."

PETA reacted with outrage. "This is inconsistent with the dignity of non-human companion animals," said Starbeam Moonrider, a spokeshuman. "Will they make him wear a little black robe? Play basketball? That's no life for a dog."

Elite law students seemed less preturbed. Prime Minister of the Harvard Law Review, Q. Prufrock Citemonger III remarked, "Hell, yes, I would apply for a clerkship. A Supreme Court Justice is a Supreme Court Justice. Sounds like this one will need some help writing opinions."

Constitutional law scholars suggested how a new Justice Barney would vote was difficult to predict. One scholar at a small but undeniably cute law school in Southern California, who preferred to remain obscure, opined "It's really hard to say. However, I would not be surprized if he became a swing voter, going with whatever side offered him the best treats."