The Right Coast

September 18, 2005
New Math
By Tom Smith

This looks cool.

I am one of those sad souls who loves math, but is abnormally untalented at it. In fact, after fifth grade I was put in a special summer school for retarded children because my math was so bad. It turned out to be really fun. I was the smartest kid in the class. We played with colored blocks which had all kinds of cool geometrical properties. As it turned out, I was not actually retarded, just abnormally stubborn, which evinced itself in my refusal to learn my times tables. This may have been related to my hatred of my sadistic fifth grade teacher, Sister Ambrosia, who was subsequently institutionalized. Yes, fifth grade was late to be learning times tables, but that is when my ignorance of them emerged.