The Right Coast

September 26, 2005
Bring it on
By Tom Smith

Actually, don't bring it on. But if you do, I'll be ready. I am now the proud owner of a Pro-line fire pump, a unit powered by a 6.5 hp Honda engine, mounted on a dolly, with a 3 inch mining grade hose to stick in your swimming pool, and 50 feet of municipal grade fire hose to spew water at 50 gallons per minute. The pump produces 100 gallons a minute, so there's a lot of pressure. Enough to soak down a 75 foot tree for example, or blow the windows out of a house. Not cheap, that's true. But it's beats standing there in your driveway, watching the towering flames march toward you, while the fire hotline operator tells you she really has no idea whether you should evacuate or not, but that you should trust your feelings. It does no good to pound your phone into splinters. Better to buy one unit than to curse the idiots yet again. Now I can send the wife, kids, and dogs to safety, while standing my ground with 15,000 gallons of pool water to command, which is as much as 60 firetrucks carry. I'm no expert, but the thing appears to be lovingly hand-crafted by real men who know about things like lathes and valves. Overbuilt, if anything. Downright beefy. LWJ does not seem that impressed by it, but then fighting fires has traditionally been, well, you see where I'm going.

You can also wash your driveway, knock down birds, and control crowds, which could come in handy given the parties my neighbors have had lately. I could also in theory hit motorcyclists as they rode by. Every man his own fire department. Now I just need one of those funky hats.