The Right Coast

March 30, 2005
Pope would not want to be kept alive, Michael Schiavo says
By Tom Smith

(MSMBS) March 30, 2005, Nitwater, Fla. Michael Schiavo surprised the international community today with his claim that John Paul II, Pontifex Maximus and Vicar of Christ on Earth, told him at an Everglades cook-out and beer party that he would not want to be kept alive by artificial means.

"He's a regular guy," claimed Schiavo. "He told me feeding tubes and all that [stuff] was not for him. Just give him a shot of vodka and hold a silk pillow over his face--that's what he wanted."

Asked if anyone else had heard his conversation with the Pontiff, Schiavo claimed his sister in law and his great aunt Sally "Bubba" Ridiculio had also heard the conversation. Schiavo was unable to remember the exact date of the conversation, however, he said "it wouldn't matter, because it was a secret trip anyway." Schiavo added the Pope did not want "one of those expensive Catholic funerals." "He just wanted to be cremated and have the money he saved invested in once-in-a-lifetime opportunity I explained to him."

A Vatican spokesman who insisted on anonymity would only state that the claim is what one would expect from a "podex maximus" such as Schiavo, but refused to explain further. Reached in her hospice, Mrs. Terri Schiavo said "water . . . "