The Right Coast

March 10, 2005
How to think like a leftist
By Tom Smith

You can't make this stuff up.

Still, as with any complicated story, it's useful to review things that might otherwise fade into the background. So I need to have my memory refreshed about how and why the fall of the Soviet Union was a bad thing, and how that fits into the overall capitalist conspiracy. And while I see that Ukraine wanting to toss out Russian puppets is somehow just an exercise in "re-branding," I'm having trouble recreating the story. While we're at it, maybe just bring us up to speed on why the North Koreans and the Red (sorry) Chinese are much to be admired, or victims, or whatever. Otherwise, it so easy to get confused.

While it may too early for hawks, neo-cons and W lovers to gloat over Springtime in Arabia, it is not too early for America haters, especially of the left-wing variety, to start getting their story straight. The Nation provides some pretty good instruction. First, deny there has been any victory. The election in Iraq was a sham, just part of an elaborate plan to get our greedy hands on oil in the future independent Kurdistan. Say this, and it gives the impression you have some kind of inside line on the future of the region. You must be really smart and well-informed. If things don't work out that way, well, we can worry about that later. Second, there is still plenty of room for hope that Lebanon will descend into a bloody civil war, which is much too be hoped for, as it is something we can blame on Bush and Brand Amerika. If it doesn't, well, that will be because, the oppressed Shia'a or whatever they are are underrepresented. Keep that in mind-- it's either civil war or a grossly unrepresentative government, both are bad, and both would be Bush's fault. Third, just ignore Ukraine and maybe it will go away. Fourth, Iran has a very indigenous culture or something, and we're plotting to blow up their peaceful nuclear weapons program, and who can blame them for being paranoid, and words to that effect. Fifth, however good things seem, it is always possible to claim it is all financed on borrowed trouble, and catastrophe is just around the corner. Just think of all those brave revolutionaries over history who have held on, in spite of how good things seemed, in the courageous hope they would soon get worse.