The Right Coast

November 02, 2004
Thank you for not voting
By Tom Smith

As I sat in my new Starbucks lair yesterday, I overheard the following conversation.

Dudette 1: So, like, are you voting for Kerry?!
Dudette 2: No, duh!
Dudette 1: Then why do you like have a Kerry sign in your car?!
Dudette 2: It says "Don't buy the lies" and Kerry is crossed out!
Dudette 1: Oh.

There was a certain amount of lap sitting going on with boys, who did not speak, perhaps because they found words difficult, or perhaps because, with the knit caps pulled down over their eyes, they were disoriented. Now, these were apparently Bush voters, but my point is non-partisan. Lots of people who can vote, should not.

It might be a good idea to bring back some sort of exam you have to pass to vote. The questions need not be difficult. For example:

Something important happened in the United States between 1861 and 1865. What was it?
a. Dude.
b. It was, like, I mean, it was so totally, like, cute!
c. Death to America!
d. (chew; spit) Yep.
e. World War II
f. Vietnam
g. the Civil War, you idiot

Many people would be disqualified by this question, and that would be a good thing. If you are reading this blog, you are probably not one of these people. If by chance you are, however, please don't vote. Just go back to bed, turn on the TV, and don't worry. Everything will be fine.