The Right Coast

October 17, 2004
Geniuses at NYT psychoanalyze Bush
By Tom Smith

If, like the average Times reader, you spend a lot of time worrying whether your analyst likes you/finds you attractive/meant by saying "well, times up (as if he were relieved!)/goes when you can't reach him/managed to get a rent-controlled apartment so close to the park, well, you might swallow this kind of thing.

If you don't want to read the whole thing, and who could blame you, I will sum it up for you. Bush is a kind of faith-based robot, who hears voices from Jesus telling him what to do in Iraq. It's disturbing, it's eerie, it's frightening, it's very, very not you. Could you pass the fresh-squeezed orange juice? When did this place get so popular? I get the magazine! Now, to continue. Jesus talks to Bush because, not to put too fine a point on it, Bush is a religio-fundamentalo-quasi-fascistico-snake-handlerific nutball who talks to Jesus. How do we know this? Well, it says so in the Times, doesn't it? Some things you just have to take on faith.

Actually, I am a person of faith, and I must admit I am impressed by the deep insight the Times has into how the brain activity of the faithful goes. Yup, that's what it's like. You have these intuitions, and you just know, heck! That's Jesus talkin'! This morning, for example. I get on the scale and think "oh fuck! That can't be right! I can't have gained four pounds in one day! That's when Jesus speaks up "Tom, it is possible." He calls me Tom. I usually stick to "Lord." "But, Lord, I didn't eat that much! I've been making an effort to be moderate . . ." Jesus points out, kindly, but firmly, "Well, there was the coconut lime cake that your lovely wife Jeanne made for Mark's first birthday . . ." "But I only had one piece of that!" I protest. "Well, three actually, and if you count all the 'slivers' and 'tastes' . . ."

Perhaps it's like that for Bush, too.

When I see how objective the Times is, I just get outraged all over again that Sinclair broadcasting would dare to show an anti-Kerry movie right before the election. Where are their journalist ethics? Where are their analysts? Where is their magazine section? Have they no fresh squeezed orange juice? It is all very shocking.

And before somebody else tries to make something of it, my female labrador Biscuit is usually the one to try to "mount" my male labrador Denali. What is that about? Why is Biscuit so interested in my birkenstocks? I don't know, but I love her just the same.