The Right Coast

July 19, 2004
How bad would a Kerry victory be?
By Tom Smith
How bad would a Kerry victory be?  Sages say pre- Labor Day polls mean nothing, and I hope that's true.  That last time I remember telling myself how little polls meant was when Bush Sr. was running against some skirt-chaser from the swamplands.
But maybe a Kerry victory would not be all bad.
1.  If Kerry wins, Lady Heinz would be first lady, which is actually a pretty demanding job.  She would make John miserable for getting her in that position, and he certainly deserves it.
2.  The first thing that happens, and I've heard this from both Republicans and Democrats, when you become President is all the Generals and intel community heavies come in and explain to you what a big bad world it is, accompanied by stuff with lots of code-words stamped on it.  The new President then spends the next few days working on bladder control.  Given that Kerry is basically an opportunist and has no anti-war principles or any other sort for that matter, he will figure out that the best way to get a second term is not to allow any big American city get wiped out by a nuke or turbo-smallpox, even if Teresa tells him not to be so Ameri-centric.
3.  Having Edwards in office reduces the chances of regular programming being interrupted by a Vice Presidential funeral.
4.  Kerry will undoubtedly give right wing bloggers plenty to complain about, and Teresa will be an inexhaustible source of obnoxiousness to decry.  Hit city!
5.  Maybe higher taxes will energize tax planners to come up with something that would do some good to people like me.  Necessity is the mother of loopholes.
6.  If he is President, Kerry will give lots of speeches, and Democrats will have to pretend they are not the most boring, self-serving things anyone has ever heard.  That will be funny to watch.
7.  It could be an opportunity to squeeze out some of the phonies, stchick artists, and hangers-on in the Conservative Movement.  Sometimes you need to lose. 
8.  Blessing number 104:  I may not be worth $50 million, be really handsome and be Vice President, but at least I have a cute, blonde wife who knows how to work a treadmill.
9.  Maybe ex-President Bush could buy the Padres and beat some sense into the pathetic collection of bums, before somebody points out that we have the highest ratio of stadium to team quality in the history of sports.
10.  Remember, God never closes a door, but that he opens a window.  Also remember you're not supposed to jump out of the window.