The Right Coast

April 30, 2004
Calling things by their true names
By Tom Smith

It's important to call things by names that reflect their true essence. After a presentation yesterday on the Grutter case (affirmative action at the Michigan law school), it struck me once again that what the Supreme Court is doing is not really law, and that they are not really a court. They make policy decisions about what should be done. They are in truth a legislature composed of unelected worthies, a kind of house of lords. But if this is true, we should call them not "Justice," but something more indicative of their true function. Thus it shall be my policy, and it is so ordered, that henceforth they shall be referred to as follows:

Earl William of Scottsdale, First Lord of the Desert and Master of Costumes
Lord John Paul of Chicago
Lady Sandra Day of Rattlesnake Gulch, First Lady of Desert and Mistress of the Waffle
Antonin Cardinal Scalia, by the grace of God, Lord of Trenton, and Prince of Rome
Lord Anthony of the Central Valley, Baron of Tomatos, the Indecipherable
Count David of the Woods, Defender of Faith, the Great Lunged, the Stealthy
Baron Clarence of the Holy Cross, the Strong, the Silent
Lady Ruth of the Upper West Side, Warrior Princess
Count Stephen of the Yard

Of course, just because this is the new rule, does not mean I will not depart from at will, should policy, politics or whim suggest I do so. It is the law, but only as long as I feel like it. You are dismissed.