The Right Coast

March 19, 2004
Kerry is a weiner
By Tom Smith

You may have missed this account of an incident in today's New York Times about Senator Kerry's vacation in Sun Valley, Idaho:

The image-conscious candidate and his aides prevailed upon reporters and photographers to let him have a first run down the mountain solo, except for two agents and Marvin Nicholson, his omnipresent right-hand man.

His next trip down, a reporter and a camera crew were allowed to follow along on skis — just in time to see Mr. Kerry taken out by one of the Secret Service men, who had inadvertently moved into his path, sending him into the snow.

When asked about the mishap a moment later, he said sharply, "I don't fall down," then used an expletive to describe the agent who "knocked me over."

The incident occurred near the summit. No one was hurt, and Mr. Kerry came careering down the mountain moments later, a look of intensity on his face, his lanky frame bent low to the ground.

Ms. Heinz Kerry, for her part, stuck to a pair of skis and was taking her time down the slope, accompanied by two old friends, one a former Olympian, the other a ski school instructor.

"I'm going tentatively, but prettily," she said, wearing tight black pants and a flaming red jacket.

I grew up skiing in Idaho, and I can assure the Senator if he does not fall down, it's because he's not trying hard enough. In fact, what we used to say was, if you don't fall, you're not trying hard enough.

And we had a term for people who say things like "I don't fall." Senator, you, sir, are a weiner. And a weiner of the worst sort. A rich, Eastern weiner who clogs up the ski slopes with your snootiness and mediocre technique. "I don't fall" indeed. Maybe the Senator should try the chutes at Alta or Steeplechase at Aspen Highlands or Tuckerman's in New Hampshire or anywhere off-piste in the Canadian Rockies or do some trees on skinny skis. "I don't fall." What an unbelievable weiner.

If you don't fall, it because you're skiing where it's flat. You probably are followed around by a lackey with one of those little hand brooms to brush you off when you do whatever it is you do when you don't fall, you weiner. And then you blame the Secret Service Agent (who stands ready to take a bullet on your behalf) whom you run into for getting in your way and call him a name. It's like driving. If you run into someone from behind, it's your fault. You're supposed to be able to stop. Somebody who wasn't a complete weiner would have said something like "My fault! Sorry! I was going to fast!" and then see if the guy you hit was alright. Flatlander weiner to the core. And I think it's great that somebody asked Kerry which foreign leader told him he wanted him to win. Probably a native.