The Right Coast

March 09, 2004
ATTENTION all fat middle aged guys!
By Tom Smith

This study is a big deal. Just because the New York Times says it is a big deal, doesn't mean it's not. The secret is now out. Cardiologists have been quaffing statins like bikers at a beer bust, and now we know why.

Those of us in the not that slim but still want to live forever class who follow this sort of thing, have been expecting this study for a while. And the results are impressive. I am not a doctor, but I am married to one. Granted, she thinks my health theories are nuts, but with that disclaimer, here's what I plan to do: first, double my dose of Lipitor from 20 to 40 miligrams (and I'm barely elevated -- you should probably be on the maximum dose of 80) (but keep an eye on those liver enzymes--if you are in the 3 percent or whatever who can't do this, you will die a slow horrible death. Better yet, stop reading now); second, be absolutely sure to have at least one drink a day, preferably red wine, but scotch will do in a pinch. Beer, you should be aware, makes you fat. I still drink it, but not for health reasons. Third, resist what I call the statin moral hazard problem. You know, you look at a big, well marbled piece of meat and think to yourself, "Oh, f#$% it, I'm on Lipitor" and proceed to eat it. This is like driving fast because you have an airbag. Normal, but stupid. Third, or forth (I forget), exercise more. Forth (or fifth). Eat less. Finally, where did I put my gingko biloba? And finally, baby aspirin, if you can find where you left it.