The Right Coast

February 03, 2004
Why I will vote Democratic
By Tom Smith

I have been thinking deep thoughts, pondering the words of geniuses such as Paul Krugman, and have reached a surprising conclusion. It is time to vote for the Democrats. My reasoning is straightforward. First, Bush is spending way too much money. Just throwing money at powerful interest groups for transparently political reasons. Look at the prescription drug benefit. Half a trillion bucks, and it will be more when Grandpa says, Yo! Free Viagra?! Beats the heck out of Canadian Elk Antler Powder! Poor Grandma. We need people in there who will not spend profligately on domestic programs. People who will show some restraint on things like public housing, highways, giveaways to unionized teachers, miscellaneous pork projects . . .

On national security, the Democrats can be trusted, can't they? I mean, they wouldn't just throw open the cages at Gitmo and say "we're not sure you are terrorists, so . . . Have a nice day!" would they? No. And they could be trusted to beef up the CIA as needed to protect us against smallpox, dirty bombs, ricin, suicide bombers etc. etc. (What is the record on Democrats and the CIA, anyway?) They wouldn't sacrifice national security just to please loud but small groups like the ACLU and various nutballs in, would they? No. They are not that stupid or cynical. I mean, there's politics and there's war. The democrats would not play politics on something like that, if it actually put millions of lives at risk.

As to social issues, well, I may not agree with the Democrats, but surely they can be trusted to extend to me and mine the same tolerance I am willing to extend to them. It is not that they are actually hostile to "family values." They don't actually have anything against families. How could they? Everybody likes families, right? I mean, how else are you supposed to raise kids?! Nah, they wouldn't do much harm on that front.

So, the time has come to vote Democratic.

Wait! What is that on the horizon? They're pink! They have curly tails! They're squealing! It's the pigs! They're flying!

CLARIFICATION AND LIT CRIT INTERPRETATION: The final lines in the above post is meant to convey that I will vote Democratic when pigs fly. I acknowledge that it is a logical possibility that pigs might fly. Genetic engineering etc. But, this was my attempt at humorously stating that it is very, very unlikely that I will vote Democratic. I hate to disappoint any Democratic readers we may have. I do not hate W. I do have reservations about him. I am glad he believes in prayer and suggest it is not too early for him to begin praying regarding any debate he may have with Kerry or Edwards. Regarding Viagra, I do not think male erectile dysfunction is a joking matter, but a great human tragedy. Ho ho. My wife estimates maybe 30 percent of her Viagra prescriptions get covered by insurance. I bet this will go up once seniors figure out how to work the system. I just love the idea of working families with hardly any time for sex subsidizing rich old guys who can well afford their own jollies. You don't have to be a Marxist to see this as a big ripoff in favor of drug companies and a powerful voting block (and I don't just mean Viagra here, but all prescription drugs.)